


For all the tears I shed

by beyourhero



Series: running from the ashes we left [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Established Relationship, Heartbreak, M/M, Manga Spoilers, POST 115, ghost au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-16 14:38:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18096275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beyourhero/pseuds/beyourhero
Summary: “I never stopped believing in you, trusting you. I knew you, and the lengths you would go to fulfill what you thought was your duty. You were once humanity’s last hope, and even though it changed, you will always be mine.”





	For all the tears I shed

**Author's Note:**

> welp, I didn't plan on continuing this "series", but I did, and I hope you like this second part! I'm hoping to write two more parts, and bam, series completed.   
> But anyway, while we deal with Levi's unknown fate, enjoy this!  
> and, as always, english isn't my first language and this piece was unbeta'ed

 

The Ocean had always been a breathtaking sight, but it lost its appeal, at least to Eren, when he learned about his enemies. Eren knew that the ocean wouldn’t represent his freedom again until his mission was completed. And then again, it would only be a dream of freedom, or a symbol, of the people that he loved and lost in the process.

“One day, you’re gonna lose yourself into that thick head of yours,” a smooth voice said by his side, and Eren didn’t have to look up to know who was talking to him. Since Zeke got back, and since the news of Levi’s apparent death, a ghost or a hallucination -he didn’t know what to call it yet- of Levi, accompanied him everywhere. For the most part, it was frustrating. Eren was used to deal with visions of the previous owners of the Titans, he even learned how to avoid blacking out in the middle of the day. But with Levi there, he was reminded of what they had. The closeness, the openness, the trust.

Things that they would never have again.

But the sight of his former lover (were they? Or were they only using each other not to feel their loneliness?) was unsettling, and not because this Levi was a product of his mind, but because scars were starting to show up in his skin. Uneven lines, sharp cuts in his face, and a furious, ragged, red line that ran from his forehead to his chin, crossing his right eye and part of his lips. Levi looked wounded, battered, but he also looked beautiful, stronger, wiser. And strangely, this Levi didn’t have the usual frown on his face.

“You still got time, you know,” Levi spoke again, “it’s not too late to correct what you’ve done.”

“No, I don’t. I need to find Hange,” Eren replied, shaking his head, ignoring the burning gaze of Levi on him. Since the news of Levi’s death, he hadn’t been able to transform to the full extent that he needed to use the coordinate alongside Zeke. Even his brother started to notice that he wasn’t as cool and collected as he was back in Liberio, and that could put his plans in hazard. “Something is holding me back, and she has always helped me. I need to do this. I need to finish what my father started.”

Levi let out a bitter laugh, watching with something akin to pity at the man by his side. “I can’t recognize you. I saw you mature, I helped you to grow into a fine soldier. I hoped we,” Levi trailed off, returning his gaze to the ocean, “It doesn’t matter. You decided you should carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and left everyone who cared about you behind. I guess it’s what you do, doesn’t it?”

Angrily, Eren took Levi by the lapels of his shirt, bending a little to speak directly in his face, and hissing, Eren accused him, “you have no fucking right to judge me! You think I had it easy these past months? Because I didn’t! Marley was a fucking nightmare! And where were you all that fucking time?!”

But Levi wouldn’t let him have the upper hand. With a swift kick in the ribs, Eren let him go, and Levi used that distraction to grab him by his hair with his left hand, forcing Eren to meet his eyes. “Where was I? I was reading your damn letters repeatedly, trying to find a line, something that told me that the Eren I knew was still there! I trained, I prepared myself, my men, my squad to go to war. I tried so fucking hard, and for what? So, you could destroy everything we worked for? So, you and your ass of a brother and the dogs that lick the floor you walk on could spread lies and terror in the citizens?” Out of habit, Levi was gesturing with his right hand, and only then Eren noticed the lack of his index and middle fingers. His eyes widened, and he tried to reach for his hand, to examine the danger on his hand, but Levi quickly swatted him away, standing up.

“Your brother is a murderer. He has killed good soldiers, good men, and women who sacrificed their lives for what they believed was right, to protect you! And for what?”

His words left a stinging pain in Eren’s chest. People saw him like that, as a monster, or as a savior, and both were incorrect. Well, part of him would always believe that he was a monster, but he didn’t want to be their savior, it was an unfortunate coincidence that people placed him on both roles. But Eren was sure that he had to be a monster, that he had to be the big bad at the end of the story. He had to push everyone he loved away because that was the only way he could help his people, it was the only way he could get to Zeke and fix the mess that he didn’t ask to be a part of.

But the regrets, he would have to learn with them. The regret of deaths of the people who protected him, of his friends. The regret of telling the only family he had left that he hated them. The regret of killing -indirectly- the man he ever loved. And if this ghost, hallucination or whatever he was, was any indication of anything, he would always regret causing that much pain to the strongest soldier of humanity.

Eren sat down on the sand, watching Levi walk away, but he stopped, only to look over his shoulder and say, “I never stopped believing in you, trusting you. I knew you, and the lengths you would go to fulfill what you thought was your duty. You were once humanity’s last hope, and even though it changed, you will always be mine.”

Levi’s figure disappeared through the shadows, leaving Eren alone with his thoughts and his sorrows.

\- - -

A week passed, and with the information about Hange’s whereabouts, Levi’s ghosts returned to Eren. He didn’t have to turn around, he just felt Levi’s steel eyes on his back. “You’re back,” he murmured, fogging the window with his breath as he spoke, “I thought you were gone for good.”

“I told you, kid, I’m here to remind you what you’ve done. You won’t get rid of me yet,” Levi answered in return, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms over his chest. “They found Hange.”

“I know. Are you going to warn her or something?”

“I wish I could, but shit doesn’t work like that,” sadness crept through his voice, making Eren turn to face him. He didn’t change from the last time he saw his ghost.

But something had been bothering Eren. A question that he didn’t want to answer, but he needed to know the truth, even if it broke him more. “Levi, why are you here? Are you really dead?”

Levi regarded him with a thoughtful expression and took his time to formulate an answer. “I'm not sure. The last thing I remember was the blinding light of the explosion, and then pain and coldness. And when I was about to drown, I appeared here. But I haven't seen any of my friends or family, so I guess I'm not really dead.”

“You thought you'd see them once you die?”

Levi smiled with a hint of sadness, and shrugged, “I hoped I'd see my mom.”

Silence fell over them again, and they knew their conversation was over, at least for now. Eren moved from his place in the windowsill, and sat by Levi's feet, pulling his knees up to his chest. “Will you sit with me?” Levi nodded and slipped down onto the floor. Their shoulders touched and without a second thought, Eren rested his head on Levi's shoulder and closed his eyes.

“Do you hate me, Levi? After everything, do you?”

“I can't hate you, idiot. You mean, you meant something important,” Levi interlaced his fingers with Eren's, and the extra space on his right hand wasn't strange as he thought it may feel. He squeezed lightly his hand, and whispered, “get some rest, you'll need it.”

And Eren fell into a deep sleep, after months of restless nights.

\- - -

A few hours later, before dawn, Zeke found his brother in that same position, with his head hanging to his left, and his fist closed. With a gentle hand on his shoulder, he shook Eren awake. “Time to go, Eren.”

Eren mumbled something, and stood up, wiping the sleep off his eyes. He looked around, but Levi was nowhere to be seen, and that made Eren frown.

“Is something wrong, brother?”

“It's nothing.”

“Eren, I know you cared about Levi, but he's dead, and you have more urgent matters in hands.” The urgency in his brother’s tone made Eren frown, but he bit the interior of his cheek, and shoot him an uninterested glance, the one that he perfectioned under Levi’s care. “His life was expendable, you should know better.”

“Expendable, you say? I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him!”

“Eren…”

“Forget it, brother,” he spatted, moving to the door and ignoring Zeke’s questioning eyes, “You’ve done enough, so let’s get this over with.”

\- - -

The way to Hange’s location took them almost half of a day. From what the men sent by Floch to investigate, she was in a small cabin in the outskirts of Shiganshina, and apparently, no one but her wandered around the area. With her squad incarcerated and most of the military from Paradis under surveillance, it wasn’t a surprise.

Eren spent the ride in silence, only answering when someone asked him something. Floch and Zeke did most of the talking, and at times, he wanted to shut them up, but he controlled himself. Occasionally, too, he would hear Levi’s voice in his head, telling him to calm the fuck down and not to act like an angry brat. Brat, that simple word brought a weak smile to his lips.

When they approached the cabin, the men that followed him surrounded the property, making sure to cover any way out that Hange could use. Some of the younger cadets worked with her before this new revolution, so they had an idea of how Hange reacted in battle.

“Commander Zoë,” Floch yelled, keeping a safe distance in case Hange had a rifle at hand, “come outside with your hands over your head,” a sound of breaking glasses was heard, and the cadets aimed at the house. “Don’t do anything stupid, Hange, you’re surrounded.”

It took her too long to step out, but Eren signaled them to wait. The last thing he wanted was to have another of his people killed for nothing. She opened the door slowly, keeping her hands up, but her appearance was disheveled, her hair was down, and her clothes had stains of dirt. She even forwent her glasses.

“You need to come with us, Hange,” Floch announced, approaching her, “but first, where is he?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Hange replied calmly, watching Floch with indifference.

“Levi, where’s his body?”

“Why would you want to see the body of a dead man? That’s disturbing, even for a lap dog like you,” Hange smirked, and Floch was ready to hit her, pissed by her comment, but before he could even raise his hand, Eren stepped forward.

“I need to talk to you, Hange,” Eren said, ignoring how his heart started to beat faster, “I’ve had trouble with my transformation lately, and I’m sure you can help me.”

“And what makes you think I’d help a piece of crap like you?” Hange hissed angrily, “Because of you my friend is dead! And because your psychopath brother, every person I cared about, was killed. You have no right to come here and ask for my help.”

“Watch your tone, Commander,” Floch threatened, tightening his hold on his rifle.

“Floch, stop and get back. Tell the rest to wait for me outside and at a safe distance.”

“But Eren, sir. -“

“Did I fucking stutter?” Eren raised his voice, surprising his subordinates, and even Zeke, who was keeping an eye on his brother. He entered the cabin first, and Hange followed him. She didn’t give him a chance to talk, they were barely inside when she lunged at him, hitting his face in the process.

“You fucking murderer!” She punched him again, and grabbed the lapels of Eren’s parka, “It was your fault! What happened to Levi was your fault!”

Eren nodded and took in a shaky breath, before admitting, “I’ve seen him.”

“You what?”

“I’ve seen him. Before they told me he had died, he showed up out of nowhere. I’ve talked to him- to his spirit or whatever. I’m probably hallucinating. But please, Hange, please, tell me the truth. I need to see where he rests. I need to see him for the last time.”

Shock was written over Hange’s features, and she shook her head, “You’re lying again, Eren. Why would I believe you?”

“Levi lost two fingers, didn’t he? He also had multiple wounds in his face and body. He probably lost his eye, too.”

“How do you. -“

“How do I know? I told you, I’ve seen him, talked to him.”

Hange moved to the side, and raised up, warily of Eren who made no attempt to move. “You broke his heart, you know,” Hange said, and once that was out, the words didn’t seem to stop, “I don’t know what happened between you two, but I could see him better, smiling, he was more relaxed. And when you ran away against our orders, he was broken. Not like when I met him and lost his friends from the underground. No, Levi was devastated, but he didn’t show it. I knew him well enough to notice the small changes, how he overworked himself and the cadets, how he demanded perfect cleaning on the headquarters but ignored the small stains on the windows after a rainy day.

He would spend hours in his office, re-reading the same document multiple times, because the information simply didn’t seem to stick into his head. But he would also come to dinner and would look around like a hawk, and the small noise from the front door would have him in alert, only to be disappointed when no one entered. After a few weeks, he stopped coming to the dining hall with us. He would hole up in his office, and more than once I found him with a bottle of vodka in his hand. He didn’t admit it out loud, but you broke him, Eren.”

To suspect how badly he had hurt him, was one thing, but to actually know it, was different. And so much worse. He couldn’t help the tears that welled up in his eyes, but he wiped them off quickly, trying to regain his composure. “Hange, he was more than my Captain. He was my mentor, my friend, he…. My feelings for him went beyond friendship and admiration.”

“I know.”

“I just, I just need to know where he is. I want to visit him before…”

“I know,” Hange interrupted him, “But I’m not sure if I can trust you. How can I be certain that you don’t want to hurt him again?”

He didn’t reply. There was nothing he could say that would change his misgivings, so he only lowered his head. It was uncomfortable to be there, to be watched with so much scrutiny and disappointment. He raised up to his feet, and moved to the door, before hearing Hange sigh.   
“This is the last time I do anything for you,” Hange admonished him, and Eren nodded, “Come this way.”

Although the cabin was small, the floor on the kitchen was irregular. Hange moved the table, and Eren noticed an almost imperceptible handle. Hange pulled on it, revealing a trapdoor. “Be quick, and don’t you dare do something, Eren, or I swear I won’t hesitate to end you.” With that last warning, Eren walked down the stairs. His legs were shaking and his hands sweating, but he forced himself to keep going until he reached the floor.

The basement was well-illuminated, clean, and not a speck of dust could be seen.

“Took you longer than expected, idiot,” Levi’s voice echoed through the small room, and Eren turned harshly to his right, smiling widely when he saw him.

“You’re really here,” Eren whispered, but Levi shook his head, smiling though his eyes showed sorrow.

“Turn to your left, brat, and see it for yourself.”

Eren did as he was told, and his breath was caught on his throat. A small cot was placed on the corner, and as he approached it, the figure who laid there, took a clearer form. A sob escaped his lips, and the tears didn’t stop once he caught a glance at Levi’s body. By some miracle, he was breathing, barely, but his chest was rising and falling. His face was almost unrecognizable, he was swollen, bloody red, with stitches poorly done, not Hange’s best job, but she had tried. The right side of his face was covered with gauze. The rest of his body wasn’t in better condition. More cuts, more stitches, more bandages covered him, and the amorphous lump on his right hand, only caused him to sob harder.

He fell to his knees, and with utter care, brushed his fingers over his arm. He wanted to rest his head on his chest, as he had done multiple times in the past, just to reassure himself that Levi was really breathing, but he stopped himself. Not only did he looked paler than normal -the loss of blood and the rushed conditions in which Hange had tried to patch him up may be the caused of it-, but he also was feverish. His body was probably fighting an infection.

“I guess I’m not dead, yet,” the Levi ghost or hallucination, said, sitting down on near the end of the cot. Watching himself in that state, brought a disgusted frown to his face, “a matter of time, I suppose.”

But he ignored what Levi said as he kept crying openly. His hands were at his hair, and strands fell messily, but he couldn’t care about his appearance, not when the man he loved was dying in front of his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Eren chocked out, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he repeated again and again until he was silenced when slim fingers tangled in his hair, undoing his hair bun completely in favor massaging his scalp, soothing the crying boy.

“I told you once to make the choice you would regret the least,” Levi’s voice was quiet, he had never been the best at comforting people, but he did try, he honestly did. “You know what you did wrong, and you’ll have to learn with the consequences.”

“But I hurt you! It’s because of me that you’re dying!”

“Then, learn to move on. That’s all we can do with our lives.”

Eren shook his head, and hang onto Levi’s leg -fuck, he, the ghost or the hallucination, shouldn’t feel so real-. “I can’t! I need you by my side!”

“You’re a stubborn shit,” Levi chuckled, taking Eren’s chin between his thumb and ring finger of the right hand, “Your passion is what will keep you alive.”

“I don’t know what to do, Levi, I don’t think I can.”

“I told you I trust you, and I pray that whatever plan is in your mind, really works.”

Eren moved closer to hug Levi’s middle, hiding his face on his stomach. It was comforting, unreal, probably, but this was the most human he had ever felt in months. Levi embraced him, wrapping his arms around his shoulders, and kissing the crown of his head.

They stayed like that for a while, ignoring what was happening around them, but a sharp intake of breath broke their bubble. The Levi on the cot started to breathe raggedly, and his eyelids fluttered. His face constricted in pain, and he started to trash on the cot. Eren stood there awkwardly, only reacting when Hange pushed him away. She carried a syringe with clear liquid in it. “It’s okay, shorty,” she whispered, brushing the bags from his creamy forehead, “It’s okay, you’ll feel better soon, alright? I got you, Levi.”

It didn’t take long for the morphine to kick in, and Levi stopped his movements until he was calmed again, just like he found him.

“It’s time, kid,” the spirit of Levi materialized by Eren’s side, shifting his attention from the dying man on the bed. “You gotta go, and so do I.”

“You can’t leave, me, Levi. Even if I can have you only as a hallucination, that’s enough, I swear,” Eren brokenly begged, and Hange, who was checking Levi’s vitals, looked at him with pity. “You can’t die, Levi, you need to keep fighting, that’s what you taught me!”

Levi was banishing before his eyes, appearing almost translucid. He cupped his face with his left hand, brushing the tears that fell from teal eyes with his thumb. “Brat, I’m doing you a favor. You’ll get sick of me if I stay to haunt your ass.” Eren tried to laugh, but an ugly sound took its place. This Levi looked at him with open affection, and tears gathered at the corner of his left eye. “I did it, Eren. I reminded you of the people who died for you. Not to make you feel guilty, but to remind you that this is what it means to be human. Call it a mission or whatever you want to, but it’s over, I can’t stay here anymore.”

Eren tried to reach out for him, to hold him one last time, but his hands touched air, just like he had arrived, now Levi was gone.

  
Hanged observed the whole exchange intrigued. In another time, she would’ve insisted on testing Eren, to see if this was a reaction of his titan powers. But now, she saw no use of it. Her mind was set on curing Levi and aiding him, and Eren… Well, he had chosen his path.

“It’s getting late, Eren,” Hange murmured, and Eren could only nod.

The younger man approached Levi’s sleeping body again, and careful, kissed his bandaged hand, softly, trying not to hurt him or put much pressure on the injury on his right side, Eren brushed his lips over Levi’s chapped ones, lasting no more than a few seconds. “Keep fighting, Levi. Survive! You deserve a better ending than this.”

  
When he finally ascended the stairs, Hange offered him a glass of water, which he took with a soft thanks, and gulped it down. “Are you going to incarcerate me again?” Hange asked, and Eren shook his head.

“In that case, it’s better if you go now, Eren. Don’t have your men waiting.” Eren used his sleeve to brush off the tears of his eyes, but at this point, he didn’t care if they saw him after his breakdown.

Eren walked to the door, but before taking the handle, he said, “Teal tea.”

“What was that?”

“Teal tea. He told me once he would open his own tea shop if he could. And he also asked me what I would name it, but I couldn’t come up with a good name,” he explained lamely, trying to make sense of his words, “Levi also said the color of my eyes were teal, which was strangely precise. When he wakes up, tell him I finally had a good name for his tea shop.”

“Okay, I can do that.”

“Take care of him for me, please. He’s a fighter, a survivor, help him regain his strength again, please.”

“I will.”

With a nod, Eren exited the cabin and closed the door behind him. He was met with curious eyes, but he kept walking until he reached his horse, ignoring the murmurs of his men.

“Sir,” Floch called him, “what about Hange?”

“Leave her alone.”

“But, sir. -“

“It’s over, Floch. I don’t want you or anyone to molest her. Leave her in peace, I won’t repeat myself.” The cadets looked at each other, but in the end, they did as they were told.

Eren ignored Zeke and his attempts at talking to him. He rode his horse at a fast pace, ignoring the heaviness on his chest, and the pain that wanted to crush him down.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments fill my little heart <3  
> find me on tumblr [as miitzwrites](https://miitzwrites.tumblr.com)


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